Difficult conversations playbook
A communication guide for sensitive situations in the workplace.
Jump to section:
Supporting team members who need it
is a key part of living a culture of wellbeing.
The CARE module outlined how to:
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Check-in
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Actively listen
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Reassure
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Encourage
There are various situations in which difficult conversations may need to be held in order to support the wellbeing of individuals and/or the workplace. Although varied, there is a framework you can apply to make these as successful as possible.
It’s important to acknowledge that these are never easy, but with a bit of structure, we can ensure it’s a win-win for everyone involved.
We all have our preferred ways of communicating with others, but it’s helpful to have a framework to support us when we encounter difficult situations.
How do we effectively navigate these various situations and ensure we get the most out of these interactions?
Scroll down to find out more!
The Seven Sweet P’s
There are three distinct stages: before, during and after the conversation.
Introducing
Before the conversation
This is about preparing, planning and practising for those difficult encounters. You might not know when you’ll need these techniques but you’ll be ready even if they come out of the blue.
PREPARE
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Familiarise yourself with all the relevant information; this may include: background facts, workplace policies and procedures, related legislation, and available support services.
PLAN
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Think about what you’re trying to accomplish.
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Decide what you want to say.
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Anticipate how the other person may react.
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Consider how you’ll respond.
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Choose a suitable time and place.
PRACTICE
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Run through the conversation in your head.
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Play through various scenarios.
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Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
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Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
Common scenarios on how to apply the Seven Sweet P’s
When you’re dealing with a highly emotional person at work it can become an overwhelming experience. Whether it be related to restructuring, difficult customers, someone’s personal crisis or anything in between - it can be a lot to take on.
So now that you know the framework, below are some common examples of scenarios in which to apply the Seven Sweet P’s.
These conversations can be difficult to deliver and usually painful to receive.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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Familiarise yourself with all the relevant information regarding this person’s performance. Be as specific as you can; noting specific (preferably recent) examples.
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Familiarise yourself with the workplace policies and procedures regarding ongoing performance issues. Depending on the severity of the situation, these may come in handy.
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Remember that, especially if recent and/or uncharacteristic, the performance issue may be a reflection of something bigger going on. Be prepared for the conversation to encompass more than simply the performance issue at hand, and familiarise yourself with available support services in case needed.
2. Plan
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Be clear about the goal of the conversation; likely to rectify the performance issues so that the person can positively contribute to the workplace.
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Following from the preparation, decide what you want to say.
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This can be a confrontational conversation so try to anticipate how the other person may react - likely anger, sadness and disbelief.
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Consider how you’ll respond by keeping in mind that this is not about you.
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Choose a suitable time and place - timebox the conversation in a private setting.
3. Practice
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Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard. Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
During the conversation
4. Poise
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Speak calmly.
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You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
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If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
5. Purpose
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Clarify the purpose of the conversation (to make this a win-win for both the individual and the workplace), and keep this in mind throughout. Listen for understanding.
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Try to see it from their perspective.
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Focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items. While respecting privacy, debrief with a colleague - likely someone in the HR department. Then let the conversation go.
7. Pamper
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Look after YOU. These conversations are not easy or fun - so bring some ease and fun into your day so that you can be the best version of you.
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These conversations, too, can be difficult to deliver and usually painful to receive.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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In order to minimise the uncertainty for the person receiving the information, it is important you are familiar with all the relevant information. This may include the current context, reasoning for the change, what the next steps are likely to include, relevant workplace policies and procedures, related legislation, and (in case needed) available support services.
2. Plan
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Decide what you want to say, and how best to deliver it for that person.
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Anticipate how the other person may react - it’s important to be ready for big emotions as the person may be angry, sad or disbelieving.
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Consider how you’ll respond to strong emotions.
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Choose a suitable time and place - timebox the discussion in a private setting.
3. Practice
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Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
During the conversation
4. Poise
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Speak calmly and slowly.
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Lay out the facts ⏤ don’t speculate or overpromise.
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You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
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Be okay with tears.
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Be prepared to listen and try to see it from their perspective.
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If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
5. Purpose
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Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout.
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Reiterate next steps and focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items. While respecting privacy, debrief with a colleague - likely someone in the HR department. Then let the conversation go.
7. Pamper
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Look after YOU. These conversations are not easy or fun - so bring some ease and fun into your day so that you can be the best version of you.
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This may be harassment, bullying or discrimination.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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Familiarise yourself with all the relevant information; this may include: background facts, workplace policies and procedures, related legislation, and available support services. Avoid launching personal attacks, judgement, or blame on the other person. Instead, focus on the facts.
2. Plan
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Think about what you’re trying to accomplish. Decide what you want to say.
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Anticipate how the other person may react. Consider how you’ll respond.
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Choose a suitable time and place.
3. Practice
-
Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
-
Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
During the conversation
4. Poise
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Speak calmly.
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Be kind and respectful.
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You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
-
Be okay with tears.
-
Breathe.
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If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
5. Purpose
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Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout. Listen for understanding.
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Try to see it from their perspective.
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Focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items.
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Debrief with a colleague or trusted friend.
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Then let the conversation go. Don’t replay it in your head ⏤ step away.
7. Pamper
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Look after YOU. Do something just for you to shake off the encounter. Eat something delicious. Listen to great music. Read a book. Dance, or take a run. Whatever you choose, make sure to enjoy it.
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This is one of the steps you may find yourself skipping, but it is so important that you do it.
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There are always some colleagues you get along with better than others. What’s the best way to have a conversation with those you want to improve your relationship with so that you can work better together?
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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Familiarise yourself with all the relevant information; this may include: background facts, workplace policies and procedures, related legislation, and available support services.
2. Plan
-
Think about what you’re trying to accomplish. Decide what you want to say.
-
Anticipate how the other person may react. Consider how you’ll respond.
-
Choose a suitable time and place.
3. Practice
-
Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
-
Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
During the conversation
4. Poise
-
Speak calmly.
-
Be kind and respectful.
-
You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
-
Be okay with tears.
-
Breathe.
-
If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
5. Purpose
-
Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout. Listen for understanding.
-
Try to see it from their perspective.
-
Focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items.
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Debrief with a colleague or trusted friend.
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Then let the conversation go. Don’t replay it in your head - step away.
7. Pamper
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Look after YOU. Do something just for you to shake off the encounter. Eat something delicious. Listen to great music. Read a book. Dance, or take a run. Whatever you choose, make sure to enjoy it.
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This is one of the steps you may find yourself skipping, but it is so important that you do it.
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These situations are hard to be on the receiving end of. It’s often when customers are emotional, overreacting or even threatening. These situations can be confronting and overwhelming.
Although easier said than done, it is important to remember that this is unlikely to be about you - it is likely that something else is going on in their lives, contributing to the outburst.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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Know how to calm yourself by practising belly breathing.
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Prepare an ‘exit strategy’ if it gets too much. This may mean referring the person to another colleague or rescheduling a time to phone them back.
2. Plan
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Think about what you’re trying to accomplish. Decide what you want to say.
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Anticipate how the other person may react. Consider how you’ll respond.
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Choose a suitable time and place.
3. Practice
-
Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
-
Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
During the conversation
4. Poise
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Keep your cool. When someone is directing anger towards you, it is natural for your fight or flight response to be activated.
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You might feel a surge of adrenaline and your instinct may be to get defensive or go on the attack - but it’s not helpful to meet anger with anger.
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Instead, take deep breaths. Slow down your speech and try not to raise your voice.
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If you can, be ultra-polite as this can diffuse the situation - it’s hard for someone to maintain anger or be unreasonable in the face of a calm, level and courteous response.
5. Purpose
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Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout. Listen for understanding.
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Try to see it from their perspective.
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Focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items.
-
Debrief with a colleague or trusted friend.
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Then let the conversation go. Don’t replay it in your head - step away.
7. Pamper
-
Look after YOU. Do something just for you to shake off the encounter. Eat something delicious. Listen to great music. Read a book. Dance, or take a run. Whatever you choose, make sure to enjoy it.
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This is one of the steps you may find yourself skipping, but it is so important that you do it.
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Checking in with our colleagues or employees is really important for creating a harmonious working environment. Once you have built a connection, it becomes easier to check-in regularly.
When people feel they belong to an organisation that cares about their wellbeing, it not only increases their feelings of connection but also increases their productivity and so much more. It is the right (morally) and smart (from a business perspective) thing to do.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
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Think about their communication style and let that guide you on the best way to reach out.
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Familiarise yourself with what’s going on for them and their lives - beyond work.
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It may be beneficial to also familiarise yourself with available support services, in case needed.
2. Plan
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Think about what you’re trying to accomplish. Decide what you want to say or ask, and how you want to say (or ask) it - have a few conversation starters ready to go.
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Anticipate how the other person may react. Consider how you’ll respond.
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Choose a suitable time and place and have a ‘backup’ time and place in case needed. This may mean booking in a time later that day.
3. Practice
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This is less important in these situations, but may be helpful for you. If desired, run through the conversation in your head.
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Poise, Purpose, Process, Pamper
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For these situations, the stage ‘During the conversation’ is the most important of the Seven Sweet Peas model.
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Maintain Poise and remember your Purpose (making them feel heard and understood - showing you care about them) throughout. Remember to follow the CARE model:
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Check in - ask them if they are OK. Be friendly and genuine in your interest. It can be as simple as “how are you going?”. Some people may have nothing to share but they still appreciate being asked.
During the conversation
4-6. Poise, Purpose, Process
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Actively listen - you do not need to solve problems or shoulder the burden of finding solutions. Just listen. Make eye contact and use other non-verbal cues to show you are listening (such as nodding). If it’s not an ideal time to listen, let them know that you want to talk and set-up a time to do so (ideally ASAP).
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Reassure - let them know you are here for them and that you want to listen - give them permission to talk.
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Encourage - depending on how the conversation goes, you may need to encourage them to get the help they need. This may include showing them how to download and use the Mentemia app so that they can utilise the tools and resources designed to support their wellbeing. It may be directing them to EAP, your workplace HR department, texting/calling 1737, or encouraging them to go to their GP.
After the conversation
7. Pamper
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The stage ‘After the conversation’ in the Seven Sweet P’s model is also less important in these situations but may be helpful depending on how the conversation went.
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As necessary, follow through with anything to complete the process (summarise the conversation in writing, debrief with a colleague or trusted friend, and then let the conversation go).
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It might sound obvious, but we can’t always tell from the outside how well someone is doing, or what they’re feeling inside.
Sometimes however there are small signs that things have changed. Perhaps the person is quieter than usual, more withdrawn or they’re not behaving as they normally would. Perhaps it’s just a gut instinct you have that something isn’t quite right.
Just because the person hasn’t mentioned anything doesn’t automatically mean that everything is fine. While some people will naturally reach out to others when they’re having a tough time, not everyone responds this way. That’s when opening up a conversation can make a real difference.
If you feel that someone might be struggling and you want to check in, here are some things to consider that might help.
Before the conversation
1. Prepare
-
Familiarise yourself with all the relevant information; this may include: background facts, workplace policies and procedures, related legislation, and available support services.
2. Plan
-
Think about what you’re trying to accomplish. Decide what you want to say.
-
Anticipate how the other person may react. Consider how you’ll respond.
-
Choose a suitable time and place.
3. Practice
-
Run through the conversation in your head. Play through various scenarios. Try practising out loud in a place where you won’t be overheard.
-
Be ready for strong emotions and reactions.
During the conversation
4. Poise
-
Speak calmly.
-
Be kind and respectful.
-
You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
-
Be okay with tears.
-
Breathe.
-
If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
5. Purpose
-
Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout. Listen for understanding.
-
Try to see it from their perspective.
-
Focus on solutions. Come up with actionable next steps.
After the conversation
6. Process
-
Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items.
-
Debrief with a colleague or trusted friend.
-
Then let the conversation go. Don’t replay it in your head - step away.
7. Pamper
-
Look after YOU. Do something just for you to shake off the encounter. Eat something delicious. Listen to great music. Read a book. Dance, or take a run. Whatever you choose, make sure to enjoy it.
-
This is one of the steps you may find yourself skipping, but it is so important that you do it.
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After the conversation
This is about processing and then stepping away from the encounter. There is a need to pamper yourself after the encounter - to find ways to shake it off and recharge.
PROCESS
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Summarise the conversation in writing. Note any action items.
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Debrief with a colleague or trusted friend.
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Then let the conversation go. Don’t replay it in your head - step away.
PAMPER
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Look after YOU.
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Do something just for you to shake off the encounter. Eat something delicious. Listen to great music. Read a book. Dance, or take a run. Whatever you choose, make sure to enjoy it.
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This is one of the steps you may find yourself skipping, but it is so important that you do it. So important - in fact - that we’ve dedicated a whole section to it in the Difficult Conversations Playbook!
During the conversation
This is about having purpose and poise, which includes exploration of ways to deescalate the situation, remain calm, and understand throughout that this is not about YOU.Overreactions are almost certainly about the other person and about what’s going on for them. Learn how to respond to threatening behaviour, whether that’s a threat to self or threat to YOU.
POISE
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Speak calmly.
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Be kind and respectful.
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You may be met with unexpected emotions; don’t meet anger with anger.
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Be okay with tears.
-
Breathe.
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If things become overheated, reschedule to let emotions cool.
PURPOSE
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Clarify the purpose of the conversation, and keep this in mind throughout.
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Listen for understanding.
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Try to see it from their perspective.
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Focus on solutions.
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Come up with actionable next steps.
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One good goal is that everyone leaves the conversation feeling clear about what was discussed and certain about some ways to move forward.
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If you’re the one initiating the conversation, make it clear that you have the best interests of everyone in mind and that you’re looking to find a helpful solution.
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Where appropriate, at the close of the conversation, thank the other person for their time and acknowledge the positive outcomes of the meeting – summarise what the agreed solutions are, what improvements will be made, etc.
Troubleshooting guide
Things won’t always go to plan, and that’s OK.
We can’t control everything, but the best thing we can do is follow through with the Seven Sweet Peas. Below are examples of what can happen, and what you can do about it, so that the situation goes as smoothly as possible.
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Remain mindful. Breathe.
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Apologise.
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It may feel painful. Show some self-compassion for yourself – we all make mistakes at times. How would you treat a friend who told you they had made this mistake? Try to treat yourself that way too. Try to be understanding.
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State what it was you did or didn’t do – and why, if you think this is helpful.
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State the impact on the other – their life, and emotions etc, and that you understand what you did had an impact on them and how they are / may be feeling. Listen to them. And validate their feelings and needs.
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If someone is angry – try to understand that too. Also, acknowledge there may be other feelings under that anger – perhaps they feel hurt or disrespected. Often anger comes from feeling someone has done something wrong – and that our needs (or someone else's needs) have not been respected.
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Reiterate your apology.
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Say what you’ll do to avoid this in future – ask what the other person wants here too.
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Remain mindful. Breathe.
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It may feel painful. Show self-compassion – and acknowledge and validate your own emotions.
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Try to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Often people do not mean to hurt others. Think about other things that may be going on in their life. Empathise. This does not mean continually letting someone make the same mistake, however.
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Think about talking to the person. If this seems hard, or the emotions feel very raw – slow down, and perhaps talk it through with someone close, or write about the situation, how you feel about it, and what you need. Think about ways of communicating this to the other person. It is often good to calm down and process the strong emotions, and get clear on what we want and need, before any confrontation.
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Before talking to them – think about the outcome you want. Setting a clear intention can help the outcome. For example - “I want this difficult conversation to go well – that we both talk openly and respectfully and come up with a solution that is good for us all”.
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When approaching the person, try not to hang your head, or apologise for feeling the way you do, or having these needs. Try not to laugh about it or make light of it too much. If it is important to you, then it is important.
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Say you would like to talk about something important – is it a good time for them?
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Perhaps start by saying that usually they are very helpful/thoughtful (or whatever it is that they are - make it genuine!) if this is the case, but something has happened, and you need to talk about it.
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Say what it was they did or didn’t do.
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State the impact it had on you – your life and feelings.
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If the person becomes angry or defensive – think about whether you may have made some personal judgments rather than sticking to the facts. Perhaps you have not given them the benefit of the doubt and have begun to get personal and judgemental. However, if you haven’t, consider if now is the best time to have this conversation – they may not be ready to acknowledge their role in things. Occasionally it happens that people never will be – and then we must decide what we will do next ourselves.
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Ask for what you want – an apology, an acknowledgement of the impact it had on you, or some action that makes up for it perhaps.
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Highlight the behaviours you want that they already do. This may act to reinforce that behaviour in them. And importantly, in future, highlight it at the time – immediate feedback can help increase the likelihood a desired behaviour will happen in future.
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Unplanned conflict in the moment
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Remain calm – breathe. Feel your feet on the ground.
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Slow down.
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You don’t have to answer immediately – even taking one breath before responding can help.
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Try to clarify what is going on, ask for the facts.
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Ask about how the other person is feeling – or try to identify it.
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Even if it seems unreasonable – validate what is valid about their side of things – their thoughts, feelings, or needs. That is, see the elements in their experience you can understand, and try to reflect that back to them. For example, saying “I can see this has made things hard for you / hurt you / made you feel......”. Seeming to try to understand another person can make a great difference in the outcome of any conflict.
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Apologise if you think you have done something that needs an apology.
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Try to understand what they may need now – and if you agree – talk about how you can help.
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In all this – if the person does not calm down, or things get more heated – suggest taking a break and having some time to reflect before meeting again. It's hard to resolve a conflict if any party is not in a state to talk things through and come up with a mutual solution – unless someone is prepared to suck it up and take all the blame – and we don’t want that (unless someone really should do that).
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If it is hard to talk because things are heated, highlight that this process (what is happening between you right now, that things are heated) means it may not be the best time to talk. Ask if you can come back to it later. Stick to the facts – you can say how you are feeling about what is happening “When you are raising your voice, I don’t find it helpful for trying to come up with a good solution”. Or “I don’t want to keep talking about this now – but we can come back to it later”.
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Use ‘I’ statements. Try not to blame or get personal. “You always try to make me feel bad! What’s wrong with you!?” Instead say “When you talk to me like this it makes me feel stressed / sad / scared / angry. I understand you are hurt / angry etc, but I would appreciate it if we can slow things down a bit and try to talk things through”.
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If you are often approached by someone in an aggressive way you may need to seek some support. At work, this may be your HR department, EAP Services, or Manager. If this happens at home, it may be a situation of domestic abuse. SHINE is a great service. They have a helpful informative website, and people you can talk to on the phone.
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When someone in the workplace shares their personal struggles or life challenges with you, it can be a lot to take on - especially if you are not prepared for it. You may not feel qualified to handle the emotional load that is being placed on you. The truth is, you’re probably not.
Remember to follow the CARE model:
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Check-in - ask them if they are OK. Asking “How are you?” and really meaning it, is an important first step. Sometimes people need a little bit more to open up, so you could add “Hey it’s been a rough time lately and I just want to check in and see, how are you doing?”. If they don’t want to talk, respect that - but let them know you are there, for example saying “If you do ever want to talk about anything, I’m here”.
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Actively listen - you do not need to solve problems or shoulder the burden of finding solutions. Just listen. Make eye contact and use other non-verbal cues to show you are listening (such as nodding). If it’s not an ideal time to listen, let them know that you want to talk and set up a time to do so (ideally ASAP). Be encouraging: “there’s no rush, take your time”. Adding in the odd “I see” or “I understand” can be affirming. You can even repeat back to them what you’ve heard to show that you’re paying attention.
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Reassure - let them know you are here for them and that you want to listen - give them permission to talk.
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Encourage - them to get the help they need. This is extremely important. This may include showing them how to download and use the Groov app so that they can utilise the tools and resources designed to support their wellbeing. It may be directing them to EAP, your workplace HR department, texting/calling 1737 (in NZ), or encouraging them to go to their GP.
After the initial conversation, check-in regularly to see how they’re doing. Let them know you’re still here for them and you want to help, but maintain that boundary by referring on.
After this, you need to look after yourself. Pamper yourself, and refer back to the Seventh Sweet P for ideas on this page.
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Seven Sweet Peas worksheet
This worksheet is designed to support you with a specific interaction. Work your way through it, noting what you will do under each step of the Seven Sweet Peas.
Try it out
Why is the ‘Pamper’ step so important?
The Seventh Sweet P (and why you can’t skip it)
Dealing with people who are highly distressed, emotional or even volatile is part and parcel of certain jobs. And it’s not an easy position to be in. Even if it’s something you have to do regularly, it still asks a lot of you each time.
Afterwards you can find yourself exhausted, overwhelmed and with a sense of powerlessness in the face of someone else’s distress or raw grief.
When this happens - and especially if it happens often - you need a plan for your own recovery. That means taking really good care of yourself so that you can keep on doing the things you need to do.
After this type of interaction, it’s good if you can help your brain process what you’ve just been through. Try to write down and summarise the conversation you’ve just had. Writing down your own feelings can also help you make sense of them and feel a little more in control. If there are actions you need to take from the event, make a note of those too.
Next, try to talk it over with a colleague or trusted friend who can offer you a supportive ear. Once you’ve done that, do what you can to let it go. Replaying the conversation over and over in your head won’t help! Rest assured that you’ve written your notes and talked it over and that’s enough.
Now it’s time to focus on your own self-care. It’s really important after an experience like this to top up your wellbeing levels. How? Simply by doing the stuff that makes you happy. It’s not indulgent, it’s what helps you cope.
Everyone will have different things that work for them but movement is good. Go for a walk, a bike ride, have a dance, hit the gym or whatever helps you physically shake off the stress of the day. Treat yourself with something delicious to eat, watch your favourite show, curl up with a book, take a bath, meet up with a mate - whatever it is, make sure you enjoy it and don’t feel guilty for it. One easy way to remember what to do is by ‘B.O.B.-ing’ - Breathe (from your belly, to centre yourself), Observe (what you see/hear/feel - especially if outside in nature), and Boogie (have a dance to decompress!).